Broken Toy
PART 1
Finally it’s the weekend.
Boy did I have an interesting week.Firstly, we had a sort of ‘christening’ in the office. Being my usual, oblivious self, I’m not really sure what we were celebrating or even why, but as far as I can gather, the PM shift (which happens to be the shift I’m in…duh!) has been renamed Team Washington. The AM shift is now called Team Hawaii. Both teams are expected to come up with a sort of dance and chant with allusions and puns related to their team’s new name. It’s been kind of fun. Our free time for the past two weeks has been occupiedwith masterminding cheers and dance steps for our presentation (so high school but boy does it bring out the raving youth in you). We laugh and joke a lot during practice. But the sad part is:
a) none of us can dance
b) none of us are paticularly creative
We practised last night for like two hours after our shift. But our presentation is going to be so lame. I just know it: our chant sucks and our dance moves are retard worthy. Oh yeah, and the AM shift (Team Hawaii now) did this really cool Hawaian themed dance, complete with a drum and hula dancing in grass skirts. They were pounding and jiving all over the room and looked pretty cool (the unmagnannimous side of me simmering in resentment ofcourse). They seemed really natural, like real natives in a Hawaiian island in the Pacific. All that was missing was a Tiki statue and a human sacrifice.
Anyways we had a fun week.
Chris (my wannabe supermodel seat mate of Spanish descent) has been busy decorating the entire office with lurid colored papers and confetti. I can’t really say he’s done a VERY good job ,but the office now looks a lot less drab. Less sarcophagus-like in a way. Our presentation is next week. I hope it will be good. Not as good as the raving AM islanders, but at least not disastrous.
PART 2
My students have been decreasing. I don’t know whether this should worry me really, but I hope it’s not because the Korean Administration considers me to be a bad teacher. I’m a GOOD teacher. And I’m getting better everyday too. I’m finally able to teach Vitamin En properly to all my thick headed Shinhan executives (for those not in the know…Vitamin En is the beloved text book used by the employees of Shinhan Bank). My Shinhan students are really nice and they seem to like me. I hope they remember what I teach them after class though. ‘Apply what you learn’ is the subliminal mantra I seer into their heads in every class. Oh, and I have this student named Shirley (not her real name). She’s twenty- two but still living with her parents. She’s currently on a hiatus from a degree in English Literature. Basically, she’s been spending the past year bumming around: drinking with her friends, watching movies and going online. But she’s like twenty- two. Come on. I know I wasn’t placed on earth to tell other people how to live their lives, but isn’t it time she did herself a favor (her parents included) by moving towards a greater degree of independence by doing something innovative like (gasp!) taking a job? She ought to be doing something more constructive with her free time…. I really like her though (she may actually be reading this…..she knows my friendster URL). She’s smart and kind and may be leaving for New Yok to study English next month (see, she’s actually doing something constructive with her free time after all…I’m sorry about my earlier denouncement). But being Korean, and this being post- Viginia Tech massacre season, her family has strongly cautioned her against going there. I do too. I pray she’ll make the right decision and come back to class. Ahhhhh!
PART 3
Confession time.
You know, my life is not a bed of roses. I know many are oblivious and don’t have a clue to my emotional turmoil. People are great actors aren’t they? They laugh and sit in font of their computers, working like androids…not giving the world any indication to the anger or despair they may be wrestling with in their hearts and minds. At least that’s how I assume people perceive me. They don’t realize how angry and confused I feel. How haunted I am by my past mistakes or how dissatisfied I truly feel over the way my life has turned out. I’m a broken toy. Hurt and bruised by myriad dissapointments. A disillusioned dreamer, that’s me. I feel really alone and this angers me. To any family or friends reading this, I hope this does not come as a shock. I’m lonely and frustrated because I’m always distancing myself from people because I’m afraid of being hurt. I’m suffering because of it. I’m a fool really, trapped in my own self-imposed prison. Led astray by the lies I’ve been feeding myself. My heart feels broken. Empty, scarred and wounded. My mind is a battle field of torment. I know I’m not crazy…but people can see and sense the disturbance in my mind and that shames me. I know I’m not crazy. Twisted maybe, but not crazy. I mean…I can function in nomal society.
But what really frustrates me is the fact that I can’t even be honest or open about what I truly feel. I’m an enigma to people because I keep so much of myself locked away. My heart is a wilderness, incapable of giving or receiving love. I’ve always wondered (for a long time anyway) why I can’t appear to accept, receive or appreciate love (but I’m so good at haboring and brooding over resentment). The wrongs (real or imagined) I feel people have done against me, live in my mind while I can’t respond to love for long. I can’t process it. This confession makes me feel like a cold monster. I know that’s not who I really am. But then again, who am I really? I’m a broken toy. A child whose lost his innocence. A person wandering the desert alone. Tormented by delusions and driven by nothing.
